I was Chosen by a Deer

I was chosen by a deer.

And I think I chose her too.

This deer was dying

She was wasting

I loved and listened to all the deer who stop on their morning and evening rotations

But she was this ghostly spectre, on the sidelines

So frail

It was important for me to listen when she came around

Once she told me she wanted a drink when the water bowls were just 10 feet from where she was standing.

I’d moved them

She wanted a drink where they used to be

And she told me by staring at me through the large window that separated us

She stared at me so intently

So I got a bowl of water and took it out to her.

She drank from that bowl 🙂

I was delighted to hear her request.

Would anyone else have heard her?

Sometimes she’d just appear when there were no other deer around.

And I got to practice loving her

Unconditionally

Because I couldn’t do anything more than love her or listen for anything she wanted to tell me

She was SO thin.

Dying

I’m helpless

I will build no walls

To save me from associated pain

I will love her

She died in our side yard and I found her on the way to our Sunday Starbucks run

Being human I recoiled from her sprawling shape

Not realizing that it was her

A part of me was scared

Facing death

Her jutting bones were the clue

And I sat with her then

Crying

Slowing down for other clues

Lifeless,

She lay in a 3’x3’ flower bed my mom had once planted which had a few dry remnants of end of summer flowers.

The security video showed she’d arrived at 4 am and nibbled at those flowers.

And then lowered herself to the ground where she rested for an hour chewing her cud.

And she lay down and died.

And then I’m thunderstruck with a realization

She chose where she would die

That tiny garden which is so close to the house no deer are ever there

And she chose ME

For that garden is right outside my bedroom window.

As someone who didn’t often feel chosen & I know that’s a junior high memory

Nonetheless having an innocent child of nature choose where to die

And to have it be in the garden my mom started with a packet of wildflower seeds I gave her once upon a time

And that she was scarcely 10 feet from where I was sleeping

My heart exploded

With the feeling of love that comes from deep connection with nature or the Universe

Humbled, grateful, filled

I was chosen by a deer