I met Pearl on October 4th 2023.
I didn’t actually “meet” her. She was actually introduced to me that day but I didn’t know her name. In fact I had to name her myself.
You see, Pearl, or Black Pearl, more formally, is a cancerous tumor residing in my colon. My doctor told me about her when I woke up from a colonoscopy that day.
I’d been having low back pain and abdominal pain for a couple of months. Neither chiropractic visits, nor PT was working. Getting concerned, I reached out to my doctor who ordered a colonoscopy and an MRI.
It’s funny, but now that I’ve met Pearl, the other pains have almost all subsided. My body was trying to talk to me…and when she was heard, she backed off of warnings, reserving all of her energy instead for healing.
Why name this cancer??
Everything I’ve learned about living life to the fullest, and especially healing comes back to love. Pure, huge, no resentments in the background…LOVE.
Why name her Pearl? It’s what came to me in one instant. And when you think about it, a pearl develops the same way cancer does. An irritant starts, in the case of an oyster, it’s a piece of sand, in the case of cancer, it’s a cell.
Why love her so?
Because what is assaulted by division, antagonism, revulsion, and yes,
Does not win.
The negative energy assailing the “other” brings even more energy.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not inviting Pearl to stay, and so while I love my Pearl, I’m not feeding her. No sugar nor carbs. No reason to help her along.
I visualize her with ever so smooth edges, not grasping into my colon. I see her being extracted easily from where she’s been living.
For right now, she’s resting comfortably, doing what any other self-respecting cancer would do, making a life for herself where it’s warm and comfortable.
But like the stink bugs who are valiantly trying to get in our house for a warm place, I don’t care to have her reside in me anymore than we want the stink bugs in here.
I find myself sad for her and I caress her and the rest of my belly as I lovingly let her know that I must choose my life over hers.
My request for you, who’s reading this, is to echo my love. I prefer you not to encourage me by exclaiming I’ll beat this cancer or any other terminology that is typical in how people speak about cancer. Hate, war, crush, beat…
I am also extremely careful with my words and do not choose to say “I have _________” and I’d prefer for my friends to not say, “Kasey has _______________.”
Instead…a cancerous mass was found in my/her colon. Let’s just stick with the facts.
I am infinitely grateful that I listened to my body who was valiantly trying to tell me…something was trying to take up residence where it didn’t belong.
My life going forward will be different because I listened.
I’m also infinitely grateful for the loving friends who surround me, many with resources which will be helpful for my journey…Reiki, breathing, tapping, meditating, encouraging. A genius cancer patient navigator.
How could I be more blessed?
I’ve been up and down and everywhere in between with so many different tests and messages coming in from doctors.
A CT with contrast which recovering from was awful as my single kidney strove to get the dye out of my system.
Hearing surgeons tell me because of my history with Ulcerative Colitis, the only course of action is to remove my colon and rectum. I have literally stopped listening when they start down this road.
These instances have been testing my resolve for LOVE. Do I want to feel fear, defeat, frustration, anger, helplessness, hopelessness?
You bet I do, but my LOVE is stronger than any of those feelings and every time I meet a challenge, I know it’s there for me to grow.
Over the years I have cured myself of so many things through eating and lifestyle changes. In fact in 20 years, I’ve only had 2 incidences of a UC flare. (One just a month ago.) The doctors just can’t seem to hear that. And so I persevere in the face of those who think they know everything.
But they don’t know ME!
I got terrific news from my new GI doctor yesterday as he interpreted the pathology report. My whole colon is clean and free from inflammation and he’s eager to have someone pluck out the mass and move ahead.
I have a promising visit with a woman colorectal surgeon next Thursday who I’m hoping will HEAR me and see a pathway not so extreme as the two other surgeons saw. And yes, they were men.
I will continue to post the adventures of my Black Pearl with updates.
In the meantime, keep your energy around me filled with love and positive energy!