There’s a part of me that’s stuck.
It’s the beginning of 2021. It’s time for setting goals and manifesting great, new things.
I’m in two programs for manifesting. Mike Dooley’s 21-Day Challenge and Claire Zammit’s Mastery.
When I set my intention for the Do One Thing, 21-day challenge, it was “To be a vibrant, prosperous, inspirer.” And yet, as I wrote it down and started setting the course for how to achieve it…
I knew I was ultimately going to hold myself back if I didn’t make some changes.
I’ve been on a path of self-awareness for decades. I’m drawn to it. It’s what makes me feel ALIVE!!! However, as much as I like finding stuff out, I just don’t always DO what’s necessary to make lasting change.
That’s what I’m up against now. I think about how to manifest my goals and I get a tight feeling in my chest. What IS that??
Luckily last weekend I got some clarity in my new Mastery program through the Feminine Power Platform I’ve been in since October. Claire Zammit who’s been developing and refining her content for 20 years, has developed a list of barriers to self-actualization in the form of old stories which are limiting beliefs. Things like:
- I’m not enough
- I’m not loveable
- I’m a burden
- I’m powerless
- I’m invisible
I was incredibly fortunate to get to be coached by Claire herself in her Zoom call last Sunday. The whole weekend was about self-awareness and finding our blind spots and ultimately how to move through them.
In her coaching with me, as I shared the places where my deepest insecurities lie, she helped me to see, that while I am a dynamic woman, filled with energy, joy and dedication, my old stories tell me that “I’m not wanted.”
No shaking of heads here. No muttering to yourselves about what can I possibly mean? How could Kasey ever feel like she’s not wanted!?!? No incredulous gasps and denial…
It is true. It makes total sense to me. It’s the tightness in my chest when I think about moving forward with this blog or when I think about a podcast or doing live posts and especially if I think about charging someone for my time. I’m stopped cold.
I’ve got a ton of “old stories” that started when I was young and had no words for my feelings. I’ve always felt awkward and different. I’ll write about the Enneagram one of these days. I’m a 4 and 4’s start out their lives feeling like they don’t belong. Learning this about 3 years ago brought SO much clarity for me!!
LOL, you never know about people, do you?? I suspect most who read this would never guess I’ve ever had such a thought.
Anyway, I’ve spent decades trying to figure out how to fit in.
Having Claire see it through things I shared during our coaching session was so illuminating!!!
I got my old stories from my earlier life…like not getting picked for teams at school. I was so shy in Jr. High and High School, and felt awkward and left out of normal social things kids did like go to parties, talk on the phone and even try a kiss at a party!!
As an adult I didn’t outgrow those shy feelings in spite of external general successes. In the 80’s and early 90’s I was extremely involved in the fashion and modeling world for nearly 15 years. I never had to search for work, my reputation proceeded me and among other things, I was asked to write fashion articles for a local, prominent, society, publication, a local modeling agency recruited me to work there and a local fashion icon gave me her fashion show clients when she went to work at our local Saks Fifth Avenue.
Still, I didn’t feel at all part of that scene. When I’d walk into a photographer’s studio and all the heads would turn to see who was there, I wanted to shrink down and become invisible. I was blind to being nearly 6 feet tall, fashionably dressed with an outward air of absolute confidence. Inside I was a mess.
I worked at Purina for 22 years. During all that time, there were countless times when I’d see co-workers returning from lunch together. I’d feel devastated by not being included.
Over all these years and all those occurrences, it’s no wonder I could still believe, “I’m not wanted.” It’s still just a story even though it’s felt real for so long.
Having Claire hone in on this exact situation, was hard but necessary, and it made sense!
So now, here I am at 61, embarking on a journey to become a social media influencer, a writer, a coach and ultimately a speaker, and, as Claire put it, “I can’t create a presence on Social Media because I’m trying to figure out who I need to be, other than who I am, to get approval from others.”
She continued, helping me to see, if I show up as me, I’ll surely be rejected. Ultimately, I don’t have the experience of being “seen” because it’s not really “ME” I’ve been presenting!!! I’m letting other people’s responses get to determine if what I share has value.
This…is the pattern that I’m working to disrupt.
The amazing thing about Claire and her work, is she doesn’t just help someone get to their aha moment, she then provides a path, a Destiny Map to help get through the fuzzy stuff to the end goal.
So, as we work through her Mastery Program for the next 9 months, I’ll get to focus deeply on my inner glass ceilings and have a plan for moving through them.
Throughout the course, I’ll also be working with Power Partners, practicing coaching back and forth as we work through old stories.
I’ll also be working with my coach, Sandy, on the deep levels of my Enneagram type 4.
And because I’m taking such a deep dive, I’ll also be working with my doctor on an inner trauma program she has for people with auto-immune diseases
This is a lot, I know. But I have worked on myself for decades and as I have not done this level of work to release my inner barriers, I’ve never progressed as I desired.
Claire refers to “entelechy” (from Greek entelecheia), in philosophy, that which realizes or makes actual what is otherwise merely potential. An acorn is meant to be an oak tree. A rose seed is meant to be a rose bush. We all have the potential inside of us to grow. To be more.
I’m going to get my barriers out of the way so the inner potential I’ve known is there, my entelechy, is realized.